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How To, When To
It seems like someone at USA Today has been ingesting contraband. In “Stereotype of computer geeks fades and nerds are cool”, Haya El Nasser opines:
The stereotype of the geeky techie that persists in pop culture is fading in real life, thanks to the legacy of industry giants such as Apple founder Steve Jobs and the increasing dependence of more Americans on the skills of those who know how to make their gadgets work.
Some schools are offering one-day workshops that include tips on “office finesse” and wardrobe and body language and when to talk or when to pick up a dropped napkin when meeting with a prospective employer.
When to pick up a dropped napkin when meeting with a prospective employer? WTF! How about tips on:
- When it’s appropriate to tie your bib at the dinner table.
- When to clip your nose hairs.
- How long to wait before acting on a “there’s free leftover food in the conference room” e-mail.
- How often to apply deodorant
- How to emulate a British accent
- How to eat cake at a going away party
- When to clap at an all hands meeting
- How many breaths to breathe before hitting the “send-all” button
- How not to pile your plate sky high at free lunches
- How to snicker without getting caught
- How to detect tattletalers
- How to carry your coffee cup like Wally
- How to respond to the “what percent done are you?” question
- When you can skip washing your hands in the rest room
- How long to wait before consuming that seemingly forgotten lunch in the fridge
- When to be fashionably late to meetings
- How to wordsmith inappropriate questions to the company help desk into benign pleas for help
- How to <<insert your intractable issue here>>
Request For Fashion Help
In a few hours, BD00 will be boarding a plane for sunny Melbourne FL to participate in “Golf Camp 2012“. As he did in 2010, BD00 would like to ask for your help in picking out his opening day outfit for a bogey free Sunday. Err, since BD00 plans to go shirtless to highlight his Hans-and-Franz guns, you can at least pick out the shorts part of the ensemble.
The figure below shows BD00’s paltry wardrobe selection back in 2010.
Of course, due to prudent stock picking, sold out speaking appearances, consulting fees, and master leveraging of massive tax loopholes, BD00 has been able to expand his links couture commensurate with the growth in his girth and enlargement of his ego. Thus, BD00 has added the following “design patterns” to his Kardashianesque wardrobe:
So, what’s it gonna be dear reader? Charlie? Pisces-dude? Lorraine? Bird? Mark? Other closet readers?
Fat, Lazy, Slob Who Did Good
Kevin Smith’s “Tough Sh*t: Life Advice from a Fat, Lazy Slob Who Did Good” is the first lite and breezy book that I’ve read in quite a while.
In between exercise sets at the gym, I scribbled down a quick review of the book. In keeping with the lazy slob theme, I didn’t transcribe the scribbles into e-form. So, here’s the review in raw and unedited form:
While prepping this post for publication, I got a kick out of the list of tags that wordpress.com recommended :
The “Shit” and “Clerks” tags were good calls, but freakin’ Condoleezza Rice????? I gotta have a word with the dude behind the curtain who patiently types in tag recommendations each time a draft is saved.
Incomplete AND Inconsistent
In the early 1900s, Bertrand Russell and Alfred Whitehead published their seminal work, “Principia Mathematica“. Its purpose was to “derive all of mathematics from purely logical axioms” and many smart minds thought they pulled off this Herculean task. However, Kurt Godel came along and busted up the party by throwing a turd in the punch bowl with his blockbuster incompleteness theorem. The incompleteness theorem essentially states that no system of logic can be both consistent and complete. One or the other, but not both.
So, let’s apply Godel’s findings to “logical“, software-intensive systems:
Next, let’s apply the incompleteness theorem to “logical” management systems:
Me thinks that Mr. Spock, one of my all time heroes because of his calm, cool, and collected demeanor and logical genius, was wrong – at least some of the time. Damn that Kurt Godel!
Dumb And Dumber And Dumbest
In case this is your first look at this awful blawg, that’s Bulldozer00 with the colorful Katy Perry-like locks on the right.
Please do not forward, reblog, share, or link to this post. After all, I’ve got a respectable reputation to uphold and an impeccable image to protect. It’ll be our leetle shared secret; an exercise in spiritual E-bonding.
If I do catch you, yes you, dear reader, violating my edict, then I’ll hunt you down and brand your forehead with the BD00 seal of unapproval:
The Nightly News Template
Searching For A Title
Look at the e-mail gift that BD00 recently received from a shy cohort in crime:
I’ve been searching for a title to the book that I probably won’t ever write. TEWKTHN seems as good as any. Got any other suggestions?
Will Work For….
Perhaps disturbingly, I’ve always been curious about the factors and causes of individual and (especially) group psychopathy. Thus, this Ronald Schouten piece, “Psychopaths on Wall Street” (which is a PR pitch for his forthcoming book “Almost a Psychopath“), caught my attention. Specifically, Mr. Schouten’s “good news” paragraph triggered a sinister, internal BD00 “LOL!“.
But there is good news. First of all, it is possible to screen out “almost” and “full-blown” psychopaths during the hiring process and after. Some of the key indicators are:
Glibness and superficial charm (BD00?)
Lack of empathy (BD00?)
Consistent decisions in their self interest, even where it is ethically questionable (BD00?)
Chronic, sometimes transparent lies, even with regard to minor things (BD00?)
Lack of remorse (BD00?)
Failure to take responsibility for their actions, and instead blaming others (BD00?)
Shallow emotions (BD00?)
Ignoring responsibilities (BD00?)
Persistent focus on gratifying their own needs at the expense of others (BD00?)
Conning and manipulative behavior (BD00?)
How can one possibly confirm or disconfirm these traits during a job interview – especially since psychopaths are brilliant at masking their agendas? But wait! On second glance, the list looks like it could serve as a bona fide set of prerequisites for executive team membership at Enron and Goldman Sux type borgs, no?
Up, Down, Sideways
In order for a tree to remain viable throughout its lifetime, it must grow upwards, sideways (think leaves), and downward (think roots). In BD00’s tortured mind, a lot of people seem myopically focused solely on growing up.
Complexity, Evolution, Growth
Is an increase in complexity required for evolution to occur?
Likewise, is an increase in complexity required for growth to occur?
Why am I here?
WTF?
Meh!
D'oh!
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