Archive for the ‘Cancer’ Category

The Thing

November 12, 2020 4 comments

At last month’s MRI follow up with my neurosurgeon, my sky high stress level was instantaneously deflated when he said “no change“. Specifically, there was no progression or regression in the sizes of those three fugly tumors in my brain.

Since I knew at the time that my next chest/abdomen/pelvis CT scan was scheduled for this month, my stress levels started ramping up once again in a parabolic frenzy (just like Bitcoin’s price action). 🙂

This morning I had the follow up with my primary oncologist to review the results of the CT scan I had yesterday. My stress level was instantaneously deflated once again when he said “no change” just like my neurosurgeon did last month. Also, similarly, there was no progression or regression in the sizes of the four fugly tumors in my right lung. 

The Emperor Of All Maladies hates the phrase “no change“. That means his blood thirsty orc soldiers are still being held at bay by my ex$pen$ive  savior, Opdivo.

My beloved wonder drug has also kept the EOAM frozen in a virtual block of ice like that monstrous abomination in John Carpenter’s “The Thing“.

So, all is well inside my mind for now my dear readers. My stress level has returned to its baseline value of “phew!”, and the slope of my stress-vs-time curve has been reset to zero. It’s time for the groundhog day cycle to restart: wash, rinse, repeat.

Categories: Cancer

A Double Dose Of Joy

November 7, 2020 2 comments

Today is a great day! To celebrate another glorious 24 hours above ground, I’ve prepped a mid afternoon snack for Morrie and me. A pair of tasty pork rinds for my beautiful boy and a double dose of anti-anxiety meds for dad.

Categories: Cancer Tags: ,

Port, Package, And Handles

October 29, 2020 Leave a comment

The “body” functionality of the Amazon Halo fitness band is its creepiest and most personally invasive feature. It beats the “tone” feature (which BD00 calls the “asshole detector”) hands down in the goose bumps department.

To use the “body” feature’s “are you a fat ass?” assessment tool, you must take four selfies: front, back, left profile, and right profile. For the Halo assessor to do an accurate analysis, you should ideally get buck naked and expose all of your junk. The results are then shown on a “fat ass” scale ranging from “cancer toothpick” to “huge fat ass”.

Halo’s user guide boasts that the “body” feature’s photo processing algorithm produces percent body fat results that are twice as accurate as a home smart scale.

To give you more insight into what Halo’s built in pervert wants to see and the results it generates, I present to you BD00’s most recent frontal selfie in all its glory:

Notice that, to be polite, Halo doesn’t label the segments on the “fat ass” scale with descriptive text.

The result shows that Halo has judged me to be, in BD00’s proprietary terminology, a “fat ass”. Well hey, at least I’m not a “huge fat ass”, and I doubt I’ll ever become one. That’s because the emperor has involuntarily forced me onto his EOAM death diet until my expiration date arrives.

Here’s a morbid closing thought for preponderance: Halo gives me the power to track my impending journey toward the “cancer toothpick” edge of the scale as long as I’m physically able to periodically take the four selfie prerequisites. It reminds me of the Christian Bale character’s transformation in “The Machinist”, except that he doesn’t have stage 4 lung cancer.

Categories: Cancer Tags: , ,

A Temporary Reprieve

October 19, 2020 1 comment

Here I go again. It’s scan-fuckin’-xiety time. I have my tri-monthly brain MRI and neurosurgeon follow up appointment tomorrow. I concocted the following feel-good graphic to take my mind off of this upcoming traumatic event.


The tactic worked for about a half hour. Now I’m stuck back in the psychological thought storm of worrying about how I’ll feel when I leave the doctor’s office. 😦


Categories: Cancer

The Third Thing

September 13, 2020 3 comments

There are 3 things I’d like to accomplish before the emperor drags me off to the bespoke tailor shop to get fitted for my dirt suit.


Here are those 3 things:

  1. Ensure that my wife doesn’t have to worry about finances for the rest of her days.
  2. Tell a joke in the seconds preceding the exact moment at which the universal life force ceases to animate my mind and body.
  3. Help my readers get rich so that they’ll remember me long after I’m used as a body double on “Weekend At Bernie’s 2“.



After 40 years of diligently saving and investing (instead of recklessly borrowing and spending), I’m pretty confident that I’ve got thing number 1 covered. Regarding thing number 2, there’s not much I can do until D-Day arrives other than picking out an appropriate, short, one-liner joke and memorizing it. Got any suggestions for my death bed joke? 🙂 The fewer the words the better. Please post it in the comments section.

This post is an attempt to address thing number 3. As you might have guessed, the content has to do with the greatest financial innovation of all time, Bitcoin. Bitcoin is the first unforgeable, fixed-supply, digital commodity that the world has ever seen. Only 21 million Bitcoin will ever be mined from the magical unknown. Approximately 18M of those Bitcoin have already been unearthed to date and the last Bitcoin will be electronically hatched in the year 2140.

According to PlanB’s Stock-2-Flow (S2F) model, Bitcoin’s price will cross the $250K threshold sometime within the next 4 years and violently oscillate around it until the next halving event sometime in 2024. With the current price at approximately $10K, that’s a monstrous 25X return in 4 years.

Of course, S2F is only a model and it might be wrong. However, as you can see from the graph below, eleven years of real Bitcoin price data (colored points) fit the S2F model (discontinuous white line) pretty snugly.


The total market value of Bitcoin is currently close to $200B. However, to achieve a 25X return, the market capitalization needs to rise to $5T. WTF!!!!!!! For reference, the total market capitalization of gold is around $10T.

One of the most common questions people ask about the outrageously optimistic S2F model is

Where the hell is the additional $4.8T in market cap gonna come from?

The figure below shows the types of current and future Bitcoin investors along with their entry points on the parabolic road toward a $5T valuation.


At first, only hardcore computer geeks owned and transacted in Bitcoin in 2009. Next, more and more individual retail investors arrived on the scene and propelled the market cap to the $200B where we are now. The big money will come from “woke” institutional investors who discover how perfectly Bitcoin serves as a coveted store of value monetary asset. The humongous money will come from forward-thinking government treasuries that supplement their gold reserves with Bitcoin as another hedge against severe economic distress.

Evidence is trickling in showing that some big institutional investment firms and hedge funds are either prepping to buy, or are buying, Bitcoin. Here is a sample of these woke institutions:


So, there it is. It’s my latest attempt to accomplish goal number 3 by nudging readers to invest in bitcoin as the world’s next greatest store of value.

Categories: bitcoin, Cancer

Dog Poop-Like Substance

August 25, 2020 Leave a comment

I try to walk, or more like, waddle, around the block every day. On those days when I feel too lightheaded, and/or my right leg feels like I’m dragging around a 200 lb cement post attached to my hip, and/or my feet feel like they’re on fire, I decide not to attempt the penguin march. I never thought I’d be saying this at my young age, but I don’t want to risk a fall and an associated trip to the dreaded, high cost, high latency, emergency room.

Since today was one of those no-waddle days, I decided to infuse some coconut oil with some cannabis flower. When I finished my wicked act of alchemy, I didn’t throw the plant residue away like I usually do. I had recently read somewhere that the leftover dog poop-like substance is still rich with cannabinoids.

As the pic below shows, the quick thinking innovator in me decided to stir the pile o’ poop into a big cup of coffee. After I finished the slightly-sandy, yet nutty-tasting, coffee, it occurred to me to write this post in real-time to capture the experience for all eternity. 🙂


Categories: Cancer, Cannabis

The Asshole Detection Feature

August 25, 2020 2 comments

Before my cancer diagnosis, I tended to take my physical health pretty much for granted. Even though I exercised regularly for over 30 years and went to the doctor regularly for blood sugar, pressure, and cholesterol testing, I didn’t pay much attention to details. For example, whenever I caught a cold or cut myself or had back/muscle/joint pains I would just power through them without taking any meds other than ibuprofen. It’s amazing how robust and resilient the human body is despite the onslaught of constant attacks it repels every waking minute. Miraculously, all the hard work needed to keep us healthy happens silently and autonomously in the background.  We have the equivalent of a builtin operating system which performs all the low level functions required to allow the applications that run on top of it to have fun and wreak havoc in the world!

I bought a fitbit step tracker right away when it was unveiled waaaay back when. I religiously tacked on over 10,000 steps per day for several years. When I first got sick and my feet/leg started going hot and numb, my daily step count plunged. I was barely registering 500 steps a day. When the power charging contacts started rusting and I had trouble charging the device reliably, I said fuck it and threw it in the trash. I decided I didn’t need one anymore because my health was going to go down the shitter real fast (which thankfully, it didn’t!).

When Amazon announced their screenless Halo health tracker ($64), I was very intrigued by an innovative feature called “Tone“. After learning about what it does, I renamed it the “Assshole Detection” feature. I knew it was a perfect match for me!

The Halo has tiny microphones in it. It “learns” your voice patterns and then tracks the “tone” of your conversations with others. Tone is mapped into 4 categories as follows:


Now, if BD00 was director of Amazon Halo product development, his “tone” categories would be as follows:

The Halo app dashboard has a tidy little “tone” widget that let’s the user know how often and, more importantly, WHEN he/she has been an asshole throughout the day. Here’s an example of my performance:


I’m just glad no pink “Fuckin’ Asshole” moments were detected by the Halo police that day. Sadly, I’m not surprised by my embarrassing purple “Asshole” performance. I just hope it doesn’t go pink on me. I’ll have to make up an asshole card to go with my cancer card if it does.

But wait! It gets even more intimate. Halo decides WHAT IS, and then records, “notable moments“. No raw conversations are recorded. Here are a couple of examples:




As an added bonus, users can also save notable moments in asshole (.ass) files on hard disk.

If you think Halo’s “tone” feature is creepy, you might find its “body” feature really funky. But that’s for perhaps another post. I will tell you though that Halo wants to take your naked pictures and measure your body fat from the multi-angle pictures.

Categories: Cancer

Good, Bad, Death, No More

August 19, 2020 1 comment

Some unknown force is always playing ping-pong inside our heads. During normal times, we continuously bounce back and forth between having good thoughts and bad thoughts. Unless something is really wrong in our life, “death” thoughts rarely appear in our consciousness.

When super lucky people like me are diagnosed with stage 4, metastatic cancer, death thoughts begin popping up as peers to the good and bad thoughts. As the disease progresses to the point of no return, the good thoughts start getting crowded out of mind. Consciousness becomes fully occupied with the bad thoughts and death thoughts. Next in the progression, the bad thoughts start getting pushed out of the cranium by the death thoughts. As time continues its relentless march forward, the big, badass, death thoughts start monopolizing the mind until, well, you know the rest of the story….

Of course, long time blog followers know that Bulldozer00 likes to make shit up.

Thus, here’s an alternative, uplifting view of what happens during the journey into no-more-thoughts land…


Categories: Cancer

States Of Care

Oooh look, another state transition diagram…

The diagram defines: three states of cancer care, the transitions between them, and the events that trigger those transitions.

Let’s start at the top of the diagram. An unfortunate soul receives a cancer diagnosis, D’oh! If it’s stage IV, it’s not curable and the patient starts receiving palliative care treatments. Surgery, radiation, and chemo are deployed against the Emperor-Of-All-Maladies (EOAM) as the disease progresses. At some unknown time later, the emperor’s legions (aka lesions) overwhelm the patient’s defenses and the transition to hospice care is triggered. Everyone knows what state transition occurs after hospice care has run its course….. Yikes!

If the diagnosis is not stage IV, the cancer may be curable. The cure is most likely surgery that excises the emperor’s growing, but still highly localized, forces. The patient escapes the cancer care death star and all becomes well. If the emperor’s army is victorious over the curative assault waves, then the palliative care state is entered and hospice care looms down the road.

As far as I know (which isn’t very far), once the patient is inside the cancer care death star, and the curative care turns out to be unsuccessful, he is on a one way trip to the dirt suit tailor shop. There are no reverse transitions from the hospice care state back to the palliative or curative states of care. The emperor forbids them!


P.S. Thank you Craig for the “dirt suit” tip. I couldn’t wait to write it into a post, and I can’t wait to use it again. Ahhh, the smell of fresh soil in the morning. 🙂

Categories: Cancer

Today’s Dashboard

July 20, 2020 2 comments

In remembrance of the infamous, tri-state, bozo-meter that I concocted from my dark, angst-filled, past…

….I present to you two brand new analog metering devices (patent pending) to employ in my anxiety-filled present and for my terror-filled future: the Pain-ometer and the Numb-ometer.

The readings correctly registered the status of my feet and right leg as I wrote this inane post.

I reserve the right to design, patent, and implement more “ometer” sensors in the future as the need arises. Licensing requests are welcome and I’ll be taking pre-orders on Amazon in the near future. Mugs, hats, and T-shirt orders will be available on Etsy as soon as I can get my Shopify e-store up and running.

Categories: Cancer
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