Author Archive

Katy Kahuna

March 5, 2020 3 comments

Meet sweet Katy Kahuna…

I’m 61 years old and I discovered dear Katy precisely when I needed her. She is the best personal item I’ve ever purchased.

Katy is a powerful yet gentle, robust, electro-mechanical marvel to behold. She weighs 220 lbs to my (current 😉 ) 211 lbs. Her physical structure is comprised of a set of sturdy, rolling, throbbing balls on an L track that straddles my spine. She also has a plethora of air compression bags and heating pads that can give me a bone crushing or smoothly relaxing massage.

Katy is soooo good that I want to die in her arms in mid-massage while the “Yoga-Stretch” program is running. When the program ends we can then be carted off to the crematory together and stuffed in an urn after we’re pulverized into ashes!

I think Katy allowed me to briefly glimpse, feel, taste, hear, and smell what’s waiting for us all on the other side. I experienced this out-of-body epiphany while simultaneously:

  • Laying snugly in Katy’s arms running the “Elite Lower Back” program,
  • High on a pot brownie, and
  • Listening to an Eckhart Tolle podcast.

It was an orgasmic, heavenly experience!

Categories: Cancer

Just Ten More Hits

By using the word “hits” in the title, I don’t mean “hits” from a blunt. I mean “hits” from my friend Burnadette Radner. She’s been waiting patiently in the background to come to my aid whenever I need her firepower in my battle against the EOAM. She’s already helped me with ten, burn-baby-burn, hits on each of two other cancerous lymph nodes a year ago.

My latest chest/abdomen/pelvis CT scan showed that a pesky lymph node in my left pelvic area has grown to a size (2.8 cm) such that my oncologist/radiologist dynamic duo decided it must be radiated ten times to kill the bastid. The lymph node in question has been growing slowly on and off for quite a while and now it’s time to blast the bejesus out of that EOAM soldier. I start the treatment regimen this upcoming Monday and I’m ready to rock. Let’s do it!

The good news in this post is that the CT scan also revealed that all the other numerous cancerous tissue spots are still shackled by the lifesaving power of my Opdivo (Nivolumab) infusions. Thanks Bristol-Myers Squibb!

An interesting side topic is that I had to transition from one insurer (UnitedHealthcare) to another (Excellus BCBS) just two days ago on 3/1/20 because my COBRA coverage expired.

Excellus won’t be too happy with the effect of my first ten claims on their bottom line:

Aw shit! This new customer is a fuckin’ stage 4 cancer patient. We can’t wait until he croaks or until protection for pre-existing conditions is gutted via the supreme court striking down the whole ACA law on a technicality.

Categories: Cancer

Thumbs Up

February 21, 2020 Leave a comment

At some point last Sunday I noticed some pain in my right thumb. The pain was localized to a small area where the nail boundary interfaces with the skin. The pain worsened and expanded outward during the day but I didn’t think much of it since it wasn’t dominating my consciousness.

When I woke up on Monday the pain was still expanding and my hitchhiking thumb looked like this:

Even though there weren’t any obvious patches of pus in the area, I started mining for its oozy white presence by gently puncturing the skin in several places with a hydrogen peroxide dipped needle. It hurt so much that I postponed further testing until I could actually see pus pockets sometime in the future.

Even though the pain was getting worse and the coverage area was expanding, I thought the infection wasn’t that bad and it would self-heal without any external medical treatment. As you may know, BD00 isn’t a doctor but he thinks he is after observing and experiencing four years of various cancer treatments. 😂

So, the pain kept getting worse until it was a continuous throbbing menace that kept me up most of Monday night. I swear I could feel the thump-thump of my heartbeat in my thumb every time it throbbed with pain.

On Tuesday afternoon I heeded the advice from a friend’s doctor boyfriend and headed to a Wellcare urgent care center.

The doctor looked at it and gently pressed on it looking for any liquid discharge. She decided not to lance the injury and wrote scripts for 7 days worth of Keplex antibiotic capsules and an antibiotic ointment. I noticed the antibiotics working rather quickly. I slept through Tuesday night without too much pain and on Wednesday the pain was much less intense. It also didn’t feel like the infection was expanding any further.

On Thursday I had an appointment with my oncologist and I showed him my thumb. Even though I told him I was on the mend, he was concerned that the infection was perhaps too deep and it could start affecting the physical function of my thumb by eating through ligaments/cartilage. Thus, he setup an appointment with an orthopedic doctor for Friday morning.

Of course, I had noticed the functional deterioration in my thumb already because, among other extremely simple activities, I couldn’t wipe my ass at all with it because the pain was so intense that I had to use my opposite hand. Oops, TMI? (A nonfunctional thumb sounds like a good bit for a Larry David “Curb Your Enthusiasm” episode.)

After a visit to the orthopedic doctor and an X-ray of the thumb, he sent me on my way with instructions to stay the course with the pills and ointment and a periodic dip in a cup of peroxide.

Here’s the latest pic showing the infection drying up and withering away.


Categories: Cancer

A Precious New Card

February 10, 2020 Leave a comment

Look what came in the mail….

It’s my official Cancer Card. It’s “official” because it’s been approved by the department of BD00!

Now I can whip it out whenever I need some excuse for bad behavior. Whoo hoo!

Note: The color on the wallet cancer crab card isn’t red because my printer’s color output is all fucked up.

Categories: Cancer

A Chronic Left Cerebellar Lacunar Infarct

February 3, 2020 Leave a comment

Before reading any further, please recite the title of this post really fast three times in a row.

I had my quarterly brain MRI last week followed by a meeting with my neurosurgeon and his nurse. Since the overall finding in the report was “no significant interval change“, meaning virtually no change from my October 15th MRI, the meeting was short and sweet. Phew! Another three month reprieve from the EOAM!

However, when I read the report in detail over the weekend I noticed a peculiar line in it……

Since I never saw anything like it on any previous MRI, I called my neurosurgeon’s office and left a message asking if the peculiar line in the report was a mistake, or just an area so minor that there is nothing to worry about. Should I do or take something different and/or be on the lookout for symptoms that indicate the “infarct” is getting worse?

The nurse called me back later and essentially said that it’s par for the course for my condition and age. And you know what? I think she’s absolutely right. Compared to the elephants in the room, you know, those three “enhancing hemorrhagic masses“, a “chronic left cerebellar lacunar infarct” is a pipsqueak. They both sound pretty scary though, dontcha think?

Categories: Cancer

Not My Cause

January 20, 2020 2 comments

Having been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer close to four years ago, I did not know that Radon was the second leading cause of lung cancer. We had our house tested for Radon years ago. The levels were way below the danger threshold.


I can’t be 100% sure, but I’m confident that the cause of my lung cancer was… as you guessed it… the number one cause… drum roll… smoking.

My father died two years ago of complications from the flu at the age of 90. Incredulously, my dad didn’t die of lung cancer despite the fact that he was a smoking fiend for about 40+ years. Even more incredibly, it took my dad only one trip to a hypnotist to get him to stop!!!

My pop smoked unfiltered Lucky Strikes. He sucked on those coffin nails one right after another as if they were taped together. The house was always filled with smoke. His toes and finger nails were always yellow and his breath smelled like burnt tobacco. At one point, since we weren’t rich, my dad bought some big ass cans of Laredo-branded tobacco and a cigarette rolling machine to save money. He had me slaving away (without pay!) for days making cancer sticks for him to suck on.

All of this happened back in the 40s/50s/60s/70s when the tobacco industry and its lobbyists were effective for decades at cleverly covering up how devastating smoking was to the health of all sentient beings. It reminds me of how the opioid pill pushers and their bipartisan congressional enablers have pulled the wool over the public’s eyes during the past decade.


I was on campus at UConn at the time my dad quit smoking. I was in the process of making my aperiodic, obligatory call home to reassure my parents that I was studying hard and not drinking/drugging my ass off into flunk city (like some of my classmates). When my mom told me dad quit smoking via the one trip to the hypnotist I nearly sharted. I steadfastly refused to acknowledge it. I smugly said that dad would be smoking again before I came home on semester break. But he never smoked again for 25+ years. Fuckin’ A!

Because of the dirty, gross experience from my dad’s smoking, I swore early on in my life that I would never smoke, EVER. I made it all the way through high school without smoking even though it seemed like half of my classmates were puffing away. But alas, while on spring break in my sophomore year down in Fort Lauderdale FL, I fucked up bigly.

I was standing in Big Daddy’s dance club with a beer in one hand and many previously consumed beers in my stomach. My right arm was resting on one of those old, purely mechanical, clunker cigarette machines while I watched a bunch of drunken peers dancing to disco. In my inebriated, uninhibited state of mind I made the biggest mistake of my life and put a bunch of quarters in the machine. The nerd in this pic says it all….


I thought hey, no problem. I’ll stop injecting carcinogens into my lungs when drunken spring break ends in a few days. Yeah, right. From then on I was hooked on nicotine delivery systems for 30+ years:

  1. I smoked cigarettes for about 15 years (1-2 packs of Marlboros per day).
  2. I switched to “chaw” and skoal for about 5 years.
  3. I switched to nicotine gum for about 15 years.

I stopped all nicotine consumption approximately 3 years ago after being chemo-sick for three weeks straight. The illness overwhelmed my nicotine cravings. My taste buds were in a state where everything I put in my mouth tasted like copper shite except for bottles of Boost. I threw away all my boxes of ebay-bought Nicotrol gum and I’ve never looked back.

Categories: Cancer Tags: , ,

How Many Types Do You Have?

January 15, 2020 Leave a comment

Here are all of my healthcare provider types:

  1. Oncologist
  2. Neurosurgeon
  3. Stroke neurologist
  4. Radiologist
  5. Pain management physician
  6. Psychiatric nurse
  7. Primary care physician

Please reference the bogus system diagram below while reading the next inane paragraph.

Being a C++ coder, I could design and code up a farcical class of attributes and behaviors for each healthcare provider type. I can then wire them together into a structured “cancer system” explicitly designed to protect the patient (ME!) from the EOAM. I can then write a simulator and run all kinds of hypothetical scenarios on the system. Who knows, with a set of tweaks to the static system structure and dynamic class behaviors, I’ll find a way to permanently silence the crab-man on one of my Monte Carlo simulation runs.

I remember the good ole days when I needed only one healthcare provider type – a primary care doctor. How many types do you require?

Categories: Cancer

A Roomba With Two Big Holes In It

January 13, 2020 2 comments

Thanks to Oprah Winfrey, I’ve discovered a new tool to apply in the battle for the souls of my feet. It’s a truShiatsu PRO foot massager from TruMedic. It looks like a Roomba with two big holes in it. It cost me $150 from Amazon and it’s well worth the investment.


Even in its default, power-on, operating configuration, the truShiatsu PRO is a beast and it knocks the shit out of my feet. If it didn’t do so I wouldn’t be able to feel any therapeutic effects through the numbness in my toes.

The massage mechanism inside the Roomba consists of an integrated set of moving/rolling balls and expanding/contracting air compression sleeves. The balls and sleeves dance together in a well orchestrated and choreographed act that emulates a pair of human hands giving a shiatsu massage.

But it’s better than just a plain ole pair of hands. It feels like there are a pair of “man hands” in that shell that are beating my feet into blissful oblivion.

Categories: Cancer

This Year’s Accomplishments

January 9, 2020 Leave a comment

Dear boss, here are my 2019 accomplishments:

  • 20+ Opdivo immunotherapy infusions
  • 20 radiation hits
  • 5 brain MRIs
  • 1 full CTLS back MRI
  • 20+ doctor/nurse/specialist visits
  • 4 Chest/Abdomen/Pelvis CT scans
  • 1 Emergency Room excursion to treat a small” stroke
  • $3000 out of pocket max exceeded in early November
  • $450K+ in healthcare consumed

My proudest and most valuable accomplishments of the year are the procurement of:

  • 1 Medical Marijuana Program card

  • 1 MRCG membership card

What were YOUR 2019 accomplishments?

Categories: Cancer

A Proud, Card-Carrying Member

January 1, 2020 Leave a comment

First of all, Happy New Year everyone! Next…..

…I am a proud, card-carrying member of a group of beautiful people that no person would ever want to be a member of: the Metastatic and Recurrent Cancer Group (MARCG). Am I right? Isn’t that the scariest group name EVER?

The MARCG meets for an hour and a half on the first and third Tuesdays of each month to discuss what we’re going through, how we are doing, pain management and diet tips, etc.

Last year was a very somber one for the group. Four dear members lost their final battle against the Emperor Of All Maladies in 2019. The only one I knew was Amy Conroy. Amy died last week after a long series of battles with the Emperor. She was a courageous warrior and an inspiration to the group. Amy would lead or contribute to many group discussions. Damn it girl, we’re going to miss you! Rock on Amy!

Categories: Cancer
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