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Port, Package, And Handles

The “body” functionality of the Amazon Halo fitness band is its creepiest and most personally invasive feature. It beats the “tone” feature (which BD00 calls the “asshole detector”) hands down in the goose bumps department.

To use the “body” feature’s “are you a fat ass?” assessment tool, you must take four selfies: front, back, left profile, and right profile. For the Halo assessor to do an accurate analysis, you should ideally get buck naked and expose all of your junk. The results are then shown on a “fat ass” scale ranging from “cancer toothpick” to “huge fat ass”.

Halo’s user guide boasts that the “body” feature’s photo processing algorithm produces percent body fat results that are twice as accurate as a home smart scale.

To give you more insight into what Halo’s built in pervert wants to see and the results it generates, I present to you BD00’s most recent frontal selfie in all its glory:

Notice that, to be polite, Halo doesn’t label the segments on the “fat ass” scale with descriptive text.

The result shows that Halo has judged me to be, in BD00’s proprietary terminology, a “fat ass”. Well hey, at least I’m not a “huge fat ass”, and I doubt I’ll ever become one. That’s because the emperor has involuntarily forced me onto his EOAM death diet until my expiration date arrives.

Here’s a morbid closing thought for preponderance: Halo gives me the power to track my impending journey toward the “cancer toothpick” edge of the scale as long as I’m physically able to periodically take the four selfie prerequisites. It reminds me of the Christian Bale character’s transformation in “The Machinist”, except that he doesn’t have stage 4 lung cancer.

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