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A Newly Discovered Universal Constant

The next time you meet someone with a title of “manager of xxx” or “director of yyy”, ask the dude how many subordinates (a.k.a. DICs) directly report to him/her to be “managed” or “directed”. As you acquire data samples, keep a running tally over time of the ratio of the number of people who truthfully retort with an answer of Zero Direct Reports (ZDR) to the number of people who truthfully reply with an answer of Non-Zero Direct Reports (NZDR). My theory is that, as the number of  collected “samples” grows, a truthful ZDR-to-NZDR ratio will increase and then level off to some yet undiscovered universal constant (like the speed of light in a vacuum, Avogadro’s number, or Boltzmann’s constant). Also, the ratio will settle out to a value much greater than one.

My bogus theory is based on the hypothesis that most people covet the esteemed title of “manager” and “director” because it’ll (at least temporarily) jack up their social standing compared to other “non-manager” low lifes and get them higher starting salaries and bonuses if they decide to jump ship. I also hypothesize that most self-proclaimed and artificially-anointed managers/directors who have zero direct reports will fib about it – especially if they’re highly confident that you won’t be able to verify their response as truthful. My advice is to flip the bozo bit from MBAB to IAB whenever you uncover a manager/director with zero direct reports who proclaims he/she has one or more direct reports under his/her control.

Since there seems to be a boatload of managers and directors aggregated there, LinkedIn.com is a fertile experimental lab for collecting data points. So, if you’re interested in exploring this cock-a-mamy, made up theory founded on no basis whatsoever, you can start there – especially if you’re a recruiter of managers and directors for your clients or your company.

So, why don’t I do my own data collecting and number crunching? Because: 1) I have no interest in doing it, 2) I project that I’d become depressed at my findings, and 3) I’m a lazy ass who likes to sit back and make stuff up that pisses some people off and ignites a chuckle in other downtrodden and incorrigible people like me. Of course, this assumes that there actually are others like me. D’oh!

A conscience is what feels bad when everything else feels so good. – Steven Wright

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