Too Late!
As a result of studying the works of many spiritual teachers , I try hard to be consciously aware of my thoughts as they occur in real-time. I try to be simultaneously both the observer and the observee. However, I’m always too late in recognizing self-defeating behaviors triggered by negative thoughts. I have a negative thought, spout out some toxic verbal diarrhea , and then recognize my stupidity after the fact. It almost seems like I’d be better off if I stayed blissfully unconscious and unaware of my thoughts and behavior.
Internal thoughts produce internal feelings, and internal feelings drive external behavior. You can’t control which thoughts magically appear in your head, but if you’re vigilantly aware and awake, you can consciously choose to let hurtful thoughts naturally float away without taking action. The more ego-dominated you are, the less likely you are to release the negative thoughts and preempt stupid behavior. Having said that, I realize that I’m totally dominated by ego. How about you?
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we are all a work in progress i suppose. i think the ‘trying hard’ part is the thing that keeps us stuck. some days i want to throw up my hands and say ‘eff it!, i’ll never ‘get’ it’ but i have a feeling there is nothing to get really.
the ‘problem’ may not have been the behavior itself but the judgment of the behavior after the fact. So the reality was ‘toxic verbal diarrhea’ but the suffering came in when you labeled it ‘stupid’. or at least that is what i took from a recent Adyashanti talk called “Insanity versus Reality” (free download: http://www.adyashanti.org/cafedharma/index.php?file=audio
and YES – i’m totally dominated by ego. most are they just don’t know it.
bless you! i’m enjoying your blog 🙂 keep on keepin on is all.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Your insight regarding where the suffering started: “after labeling it stupid”, is interesting indeed.