Bulldozer00's Blog

When I was younger and working at my first real job as a sonar “system engineer”, I was tasked with designing a set of digital filters to process a multiplexed stream of audio signals from a sonar microphone array. During a weekly status meeting, the best manager I ever worked for asked me if I’d written up the design and had it peer reviewed. I told him that I hadn’t and then he hit me with the first of many wise zingers over several years. He told me “Don’t keep it a secret. Write it up, communicate it, share it.” Being the dumbass and naive engineer that I was (and still am?) back then, I hadn’t thought of doing that. I was just gonna slip the resulting design into the system specification, let the software and hardware and test dudes deal with any mistakes/errors downstream, and move onto my next joyful assignment.

When my mentor said “don’t keep it a secret” to me, a terrible fear gripped me: “What if I screwed up and someone points out a major flaw in the work? What would people think? People might laugh at me.” Instead of thinking about adding value to the company and helping others do their jobs better, I was dwelling on self-important thoughts about ME – poor ME. Alas, such is the conditioning that is innocently but surely foist upon us from the moment we start disassociating ourselves from our true being and we start welding ourselves to the “I” thought.  This freedom-squelching conditioning process starts with our parents and continues relentlessly throughout school and throughout our working lives.

From what I remember, the writeup and review process went much better than I anticipated. However, even after that first jolt, it still took me a long, long time to overcome the fear of exposing my work to others. Even today, many years later, I sometimes relapse and must fight the fear instinct associated with exposing work to others for scrutiny – especially managers.

How about you? Have you ever experienced a similar feeling? Do you still experience it? Is your goal to jump into management as quickly as possible so that you can escape the fear and transition from scrutinizee to scrutinizer? Have you already successfully done this? Dudes and dudettes, don’t be shy and please gimme some blowback. 🙂