Bulldozer00's Blog

Over the years, I’ve progressively transitioned between these stances on meditation: 1) It’s a waste of time, 2) It may have merit, 3) It DOES have merit, 4) It’s too frustratingly hard for me.

During the leap from state 3) to 4), I gave meditation a half-assed try. I read a bunch of material on the topic. Most of it recommended meditating for as long as you can – up to 12 hours a day (WTF!!!). Much of it also said that it can take years to get really proficient at it.

Over the past few months, I’ve tried to meditate every night just before going to sleep even though the literature says not to meditate if you’re sleepy (I told you I was trying it half-assed). I use my breath as the meditation object. It just doesn’t work for me. As soon as I focus my concentration on my breath, within a microsecond a thought invades and I’m off to the races with it for a few seconds. I attach to it, and follow it fully along with the numerous child thoughts that it spawns. Then, for a reason that I don’t understand, I “suddenly” realize that I’ve been hoodwinked by my thought-obssessed ego again and I try to refocus on my breath. Sure enough, within a picoseond another thought zooms in and I repeat the cycle. Frustration reigns.

All the literature that I’ve read says to be patient and gentle with yourself and don’t get discouraged when you find yourself being drawn into thoughts that instantaneously arise during meditation. Easier said than done.